What Your Parents Didn’t Tell You About Old Age

Myth: Old people are stick-in-the-muds and don’t go anywhere because they are crotchety homebodies.

Truth: Old people would love to go everywhere all the time, but old people are probably living on a fixed income and don’t go anywhere because they can’t afford to.

Myth: Old people are hypochondriacs and go to the doctor for every little thing because they love the attention.

Truth: Old people go to the doctor a lot because there’s always something going wrong. Everything hurts on an old person and is giving out. Old people were the picture of health when they were young, and they never saw this coming.

Myth: Old people are lazy and don’t like to exercise.

Truth: Old people would love to exercise if exercise didn’t hurt for days afterwards. Aches and pains that might have taken a couple days to dissipate when they were young now take days and days to get back to “normal”.  Whatever “normal” is. Normal is different now.

Myth: Old people are more cautious than young people because they’ve lost their joie de vivre and are now conservative party poopers.

Truth: Old people may have lost their joie de vivre but it isn’t because of what you might think. Old people are more cautious than young people because they’ve realized that it isn’t worth the risk whatever “it” may be. Remember the song by Peggy Lee, “Is that all there is”? Old people have realized this was a true song. It’s going to be a disappointment.

Myth: The Golden Years are a wonderful time of life

Truth: The Golden Years is an idea made up by a young person. There’s nothing golden about it. If anything, it’s the Gray Years. “No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You’re old, you sag, get over it.” — Sophia from The Golden Girls TV show

Myth: Sex is better when you’re old.

Truth: This is also something made up by a young person, probably a young doctor or a young journalist. The truth is in old age something is always not working so unless you’re into drugs and surgical procedures you need to come up with other ways of intimate pleasure.

Myth: There’s no or very little age discrimination in hiring practices concerning old people.

Truth: Age discrimination is alive and well in hiring practices of old people. Old people can apply all they want to American jobs but the certainty of getting them is all but certain even if the old person is eminently qualified. Usually they say, “We found a more qualified person.” This is code for “You’re too old.”

Myth: People have respect for the wisdom that is acquired by age.

Truth: Nobody cares what old people know or what their wisdom can provide. Young people think they know it all and the last thing they want is for some old person to tell them anything. Old people know this is true because when they were young, they didn’t want some old person telling them anything even if it made sense. Especially if it made sense.

Miscellaneous Truths: Getting up to pee many times in the night is common. Leg pains from taking medicine is common. No amount of Botox can get rid of all the wrinkles. Eating anything and everything in any amount is a thing of the past because now there’s acid reflux. Fallen arches are common but there’s the Good Feet Store if you can afford it. Forgetfulness is common and they’d like you to think this means you’re on the verge of getting Alzheimer’s.

Youth was a time of gaining things. Old age is a time of letting things go.